


When Oatmeal Texts Granola

by hapakitsune



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hapakitsune/pseuds/hapakitsune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love advice with Canadians: the clueless leading the clueless who is in love with clueless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Oatmeal Texts Granola

**Author's Note:**

> Started on twitter with the tweet, "Could be worse. Could be Kaner." and it was then observed that this could be an answer for a lot of things, and then this happened. (I have done my best re: making up email addresses/the way they type to each other mostly by looking at Geno and Kane's twitters and just winging the rest.) Thanks to [bessyboo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo) for the speedy beta and [oflights](http://archiveofourown.org/users/oflights) for her branchild of oatmeal/granola.

**from:** Unknown Number  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Can I talk to you about something?

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Unknown Number  
Who is this?

 **from:** Unknown Number  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Sidney.

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Unknown Number  
...Crosby?

 **from:** Unknown Number  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
How many Sidneys do you know?

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Fuck off. What did you want to talk about?

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
I don't want to do this over text. What's your email?

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
jbtoews@und.edu

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I don't know why I'm coming to you about this, but have you ever had a crush on a teammate?

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you. 

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Is that a yes?

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I am not answering this question. 

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I will just ask you in person the next time we meet. 

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

For fuck's sake.

 

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
This is not a hard question.

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
I don't want to answer!

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Fine. I'll just assume the answer is yes.

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Why can't you leave this alone? Do you have a crush on a teammate?

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

You do, don't you.

 **  
To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Is it Malkin?

 **  
To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Sidney?

 **  
To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Yes.

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Oh. 

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Yeah. 

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Could be worse. 

Could be Kaner.

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Are you seriously trying to compete with me over this?

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Hold on a minute, Kane? Really?

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

At least he speaks English. 

\---

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
who were u ylling at this mronging? it was rlly louddddddd and woke me up

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Patrick Kane  
You should have already been awake. 

**from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
that is not an answer

 **from:** Patrick Sharp  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
YOU LUNATICS ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Oh my god crosby????? This is who tazer was ttttewtq$

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Sorry. Kaner stole my phone. 

**from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
You have strange taste. 

**from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Fuck you. 

\---

 **To:** Sid the Kid (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** o captain my captain

what are you and tazer always talking about??????

 

 **To:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Sid the Kid (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** Private business

If he wanted you to know, I'm sure he would tell you. 

How did you even get this email address?

 

 **To:** Sid the Kid (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** RISKYYYYYY business

its in his contacts!!

 

 **from:** Sidney Crosby   
**to:** Jonathan Toews  
Please make him stop.

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
If I knew how to do that, do you think I would be in this situation to begin with?

\----

 **To:** Genooooooooo (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **From:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** your email address is REALLY HARD TO SPELL!!!!

hey, do you know why our captains are conspiring? i want to know so i'll even put it into google translate for you!

эй, вы знаете, почему наши капитаны заговоре? Я хочу знать, так что я даже положить его в Google Translate для Вас!

 

 **To:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Genooooooooo (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **Re:**

Who is this?

 

 **To:** Genooooooooo (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **From:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** I am HURT and INSULTED

your boy p-kane! tazer and crosby are texting all the time and tazer doesn't tell me ANYTHING so i thought crosby might have told you

 

 **To:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Genooooooooo (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **Re:** I don't understand

I don't know. how do you know my E-mail address?

 

 **To:** Genooooooooo (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **From:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** help me gen-o kenobi you are my only hope

i know all~~~~~~

 

 **To:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Genooooooooo (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **Re:**

Then you don't need to ask me these questions.

\----

 **from:** Geno Malkin  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Kane says you are talking with Toews. Head sadness again? (((((

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Geno Malkin  
No. Just boring captain stuff.

 **from:** Geno Malkin  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Well if you need me, I am here. ))))))))))))

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Geno Malkin  
Thank you. 

\----

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Do you ever think about telling Kane?

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

No. 

**To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Not ever?

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I don't see the point in hypotheticals. 

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

You know Kane has been bugging Geno, too? 

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I'll get him to stop.  
 ****

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

That isn't the point. 

 

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Sorry. I shouldn't have pried.

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
It's fine. 

**from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Do you think you'll ever say anything?

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Probably not.

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Patrick Kane  
Please stop emailing Geno Malkin. 

**from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
ok what the fuck is going on!!!!

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
dont make me start texting random russians!!

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Patrick Kane  
Sidney was asking me for some advice, that's all. Don't bother his friends.

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
that is not the full story and i will get it from you. with booze

\----  
 **  
from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
OH MY GOD$$

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
YOUyys LOVE MAKLIN$

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
i ttya; uderstan bro makolin is hottttttt

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
id hndle hiss tick

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
I amso sorrya

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
He gaave me vokda

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Go to sleep.

\----

 **To:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Sid the Kid (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** This must remain between us

I sincerely hope you are sober by now and that you have not texted anyone else. 

 

 **To:** Sid the Kid (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Kaner (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** no bigs!

hey bro i am sorry!! i didn't realize you were asking tazer for LOVE advice (though that begs the question of why on earth you are asking captain never-gets-laid for help with your russian bride) so sorry! and good luck with Malkin. :p

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I am so sorry about last night. He had a plan. 

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

As long as he can keep his mouth shut. 

**To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

He's not as bad as he seems.

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I would hope not. 

**  
To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Why did he want to know so badly, though?

\----

 **from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Patrick Kane  
Why did you want to know about me and Sidney?

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
idk you dont usually keep secrets from me

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
...tazer?

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
johnny look im not trying to guilt you it just made me curious

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

So I did what you suggested and I told him. 

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Really? What happened?

 

 **To:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **From:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **Re:** A private matter

I went home.

 

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
you fucking asshole you dont get to drop something like that and then just leave!

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
i will find you. not even shit-ipeg can protect you

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
tell tazer he is an asshole and i love him too

 

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Answer your fucking phone.

 **To:** Jonathan Toews (jbtoews@und.edu)  
 **From:** Sidney Crosby (sidney.crosby87@gmail.com)  
 **Re:** A private matter

Look, he says he loves you too, so please call him back so he stops texting me. 

 

 **from:** Patrick Kane  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! GONNA GO HAVE SEX NOW BYE!!!!

\---

 **from:** Geno Malkin  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
You seem sad today. Want me to bring you food? 

**from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Geno Malkin  
I'm fine. I don't need you to go to any trouble.

 **from:** Geno Malkin  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
It's no trouble )))))) i like to help you.

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Geno Malkin  
I

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Geno Malkin  
I'm sorry. You can come over. I need to talk to you anyway. 

**from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
I'm going to tell Geno. 

**from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Toews?

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
I actually would like your advice here. 

**from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
Just be honest. And if it goes badly, I hear Marc Staal is single again. 

**from:** Jonathan Toews  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
good luck siddiekins!!!! – peeks

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Jonathan Toews  
Thanks. I think. 

\---

 **To:** P. Kane (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Евге́ний Ма́лкин (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **Re:** I don't have toews address

Please tell Toews I say thanks for helping Sid.

 

 **To:** Евге́ний Ма́лкин (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **From:** P. Kane (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** congrats!!!!

i take it this means you too have made your love connection...??????

 

 **To:** P. Kane (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **From:** Евге́ний Ма́лкин (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **Re:** thanks

Sidney says we don't "kiss and tell"

 

 **To:** Евге́ний Ма́лкин (malkinmagnitogorsk@aol.ru)  
 **From:** P. Kane (pattycakes88@hotmail.com)  
 **Re:** pics or it didn't happen!

well I DO so if you're hard up I can tell you all about tazer's assdsalHL

I'm sorry Evgeni. I don't have him house trained yet. And you're welcome. - Jonathan Toews

\---

 **from:** Geno Malkin  
 **to:** Sidney Crosby  
love ))))))))

 **from:** Sidney Crosby  
 **to:** Geno Malkin  
You too.


End file.
